2019 end Of year


Hello friends--new and old--today I am going to share with you my reflections of 2019 and my resolutions for the year of 2020.

To be quite frank, this year knocked me on my a**, then I got back up, and it kicked me in the stomach and through me in the dust, then I got back up, and then it clawed at my mind, ripped at my heart, and left me nearly defeated in the ring, and then I got back up.

I have never experienced a year with such highs and lows. I have also never experienced a year of such courage and confidence, such faith and love. I have never experienced laughter or adventure that big.

 

My word of the year was DARING | adventurous or audaciously bold. I couldn't have picked a better word of the year. I needed that word and it helped me embrace my truth, lean in to the grief, and work my a** off in therapy. I needed that word to tackle my anxiety about school, relationships, and life. I needed that word because it propelled me to do the things that I didn't see myself doing in 2018. 2018 Lea knew that 2019 was going to be a trip to hell and 2019 Lea was ready to defeat the demons.

My intentions of 2019 were |

To feel the hurt, then heal from that hurt, and then be with that hurt | I felt pain that I never knew existed, I grieved that hurt (I still am), and I sat with it. I think that best part about the feeling is that I never felt deeply before; I shoved pain down and turned a blind eye, but not this year, I leaned in, I cried when I felt like it. I am still growing in this area and experiencing this has allowed me to become more empathic of deep sorrow.

The moments that I aimed to cultivate more of in 2019 were |

IMPROMPTU DANCES | movement without a care of what it looks like, with only one intention–to feel something.

I loved these moments. Baby, You Make Me Crazy by Sam Smith is my favorite song to turn up and just dance to. I think that there was one moment where I played the song at least 7 times and let my body move. *my calves were incredibly sore the next day, by the way*

LETTING OTHERS KNOW THEY ARE HEARD | listening has a healing property. people heal the moment that they start to feel heard. I pledge to stay in the hard conversations, ask questions, and listen. I pledge to affirm and uplift.

I didn't do this as well as I had hoped, but I grew in this area more than I think. Personally, I think that experience of being listened to well opened my eyes to what it means to listen to others and letting them know they are heard.

 

The intentions that I set out to have in 2019 were |

LESS | less buying. more intention. less of my voice, more of others. less phone, more world. less busy, more presence. less feeling guilty and ashamed, more standing up for me. less "I don't know", more "...".

There were definitely moments were I put clothes down in the store, even though they were adorable and I could afford them. I was so proud of myself in these moments because I resisted. I knew that I didn't need the shirt or the cute pair of shoes. This year I learned to love what I had and to lean into not purchasing as much. If I wanted something new, I thrifted it. It was hard and I was not perfect, but I think that I grew a lot in this area.

BALANCE | work, life, and school. eight hours of school/work. eight hours of social, meals, fitness, and living. eight hours of sleep. balance in my diet. balance in my relationships.

This is a huge area that I focused on. This year, I took the hardest classes and I did my best work. Working hard and producing good work allowed me to get great grades. Great grade were not the goal, but they were a product of implementing balance. I have a great goal for 2020, which outs into practice a rhythm that I learned at a conference in summer 2019.

BEAUTY | more seeking beauty. not my own or others, but Gods. more admiration for creation.

Walking through Utah, I could not help but notice the beauty of God's creation.

WELL WITH MY SOUL |

I rested in this truth. I let this song play in my darkest places.

 

Here is a reflection of each of the goals and resolutions that I set for 2019 |

Goals that worked and went really well for me this year |

HONOR MY WORD | using my voice in direction of truth and love.

I am loyal to the core, so I knew I could nail this one. I try really hard to only make promises or commitments that I can stick to. I tried not to cancel any plans with friends and did my best to not make plans that I knew I would not have the energy for.

EXPRESSING MY CREATIVE ENERGY | take photos, write poetry, dance, color, paint. more creative motion.

This summer I got to take amazing pictures that helped release my creative energy. However, I think that writing might be a passion that I should lean into and discover more about. (hello, 2020 goal?).

READ ONE BOOK A MONTH (NON-REQUIRED) | reading for school is amazing, but I need to take time out of the day to unwind with a book. I have a bookshelf ready to be raided!

HUSTLE | this is a year of waking up at 6:30, working out, eating healthy.

I am so dang proud of myself because I made this commitment to myself and blew my goal out of the water. Not only did I rest well, but I also woke up early, ate intuitively, and hit the gym without the lingering body thoughts!

I hustled hard during school and during the summer I didn't let my 18 credit hours or my two jobs or the fact that I commute get in the way of hustling.

RUN AND MOVE | when I find time on my day to exercise or move my body, it changes my day. I aim to stay consistent with this goal in 2019.

I was very consistent in this goal that I set for myself. Again, so dang proud of myself.

PREPARE FOR EACH CLASS | I will be ready for each class. I will not let myself be shaken by the things that I can control. and that is how prepared I am.

I honestly did wayyy better at this than I thought I would. There are a few classes that I could have done way better in, but compared to 2018 me, I was way better at being prepared. I did the class readings and took notes, which allowed me to come to class more prepared.

Goals that did not work out as well as I had anticipated |

7 DAY SOCIAL MEDIA CLEANSE A MONTH | in order to preserve my sanity. I will step back from social media for seven days each month and re-focus. this time will be for rest and journal.

I did not do this well. I took no cleanses :(. However, I have not been posting as much as I could have posted. I took breaks when I needed it, but not a 7 day structured cleanse.

PAY OFF ONE OF MY STUDENT LOANS | I will be making at least one $100 payment each month. I will increase that amount based on savings. (low-key really excited about this one )!!

I made it $200 in and then I pinched my pennies to save for a summer trip that I took. So, I didn't pay off my loan.

BUDGET | my spreadsheets are prepped and ready for numbers. this spring I am living off-campus, so I will have to be strict with a budget. this will take patience, time set aside, and diligence.

This goal is literally laughable because I stink at budgets! I literally cannot find a system that works to track my daily budget without manually recording it. I am going paycheck-to-paycheck and it is definitely not sustainable. Please comment your tips! This is going down as a goal for 2020!

 

I have never had a harder year and I hope 2020 awaits me with open arms. I have a lot of hope for 2020. Catch my goals in my next post!

Till then,

Lea xoxo

#college #Resolutions #selfcare #messy #becomingme