"I struggle. I fall.
I smile. I dust off.
I'm weak and I can't stand alone.
I trust and I get broken."
I have a pattern of feelings: I'm high, I'm happy, and I enjoy my life. Then, out of the blue, along comes the devil on his dark horse and stares into my soul, then suddenly I become dark, tired, and worn.
Yesterday was hard. I mean heartbreaking hard. I'm having to let go of a person that means a tremendous amount to me. I am changed. Her wisdom is infused in every word I write. I must let this change take place in order to grow, and I suck at change!
So, as I walked in my empty house yesterday I followed my routine and headed to my room. My phone gave a viscous CLANG and I looked down at the screen. This unexpected message read "How is your soul?"
What I wanted to say VS. what was actually said.
Wanted to say:
"My soul is crying, my soul is screaming. My angry soul is creating a life that seems to be completely unbearable right now."
"My soul is tired and really sad."
Back to change.
In order to grow we must change, evolve, alter in some way. If not, then we remain unchanged and boring. I refuse to be boring.
Take the chair pictured above for example. I painted that chair green when I was 9. I loved that chair, I sat in that chair for every bonfire, family gathering, or just any chance I could get. That chair has changed. It no longer gleams the John Deere green color I bathed it in. That chair has endured rain storms, hot summer nights, and many memories.
That chair shows me that no matter how tarnished, dented, torn, or chipped something is, it can still contain beauty. The memories I have sitting in that chair mean so much more to me than how it looks as it sits in the un-mowed lawn, or how it teeters back in forth, or how it falls over due to the smallest wind.
I also realize, while looking at the photo, how meaningful something so simple can be. That chair is beautiful to me because of what we have been through together. That chair sits on its side and simply becomes the most beautiful thing to me. The significance is remarkable.
Change doesn't only exist physically, but emotionally. Emotional change and changing of routine disrupt me the most. My anchor. My grace. My sweet and scared soul.
I carry this idea of change into relationships. We all question that friend that chooses to stay with the abusive spouse, cheating boyfriend, or hateful friend, yet we have no idea what they have endured together. They have bared rain storms, lost love, and many memories. They are tarnished, dented, torn, and chipped. They have chosen to love each other. They are each others anchors for so long, they can't just leave or stop having feelings for the person they are in love with.
Love takes time and a lot of it. Love is hard~ You can't ask for love and receive, not true love at least. True love is a deep connection. Heartbreak.
I believe there is beauty in change, I just haven't found it yet.
Seek change. Encourage change. Grow by changing. Embrace CHANGE.
for the ever changing and changed: Seek Simplicity,