Husband, father, world-famous pancake maker, pear peeler, cherry picker, story teller, coffee drinker, newspaper reader, postman, quiet man, and my grampa.
Two years ago today I received a message. It read "He has left us." Those very words give me chills and watery eyes to this day.
I apologize for the way I acted after I received this news. I snapped at my brothers in the back of my stepdad's mothers car. Do you know how extremely hard it is to tell a six year old that they won't be seeing their grandfather anymore?
The hardest thing to do is keep a secret from a child,
or maybe it's looking into their as they find out.
all the why's and how's are a pain because you don't
want to tell them what is actually happening
you can only put up with it for so much longer and your
anger is slowly building up
you break, you scream, you tried so hard to contain it
Then you see his face trying to squirm back into a smile,
but it just doesn't happen.
you failed, he knows.
now you wonder if he knows what it really means, but of
course he doesn't because you never though this would happen
you tell him that "if maybe I was the one pounding on his chest,
then maybe, just maybe he would be here now."
A billion poems, breakdowns, and soul searching moments later I can tell you these things:
~what doesn't kill, truly does make you stronger..
I cry and cry and cry over the situation I was in two years ago. At the mention of death I would seek shelter and cry. At the mention of love I would cry. At the mention of coffee, pancakes, grandparents, cherries, and pears I would cry. I never showed or shared my pain with anyone.
~let your love pour out.. love, love, love, loooovvvee!
~spend time with the ones you truly care for
I have a horrible habit of not telling people I love them when I need to the most. I can't make the words come out of my mouth. I share love in the weirdest ways like a simple gesture or compliment. Like I have mentioned before fear controls our actions. If I tell you I love you I truly mean it. LET THE LOVE POUR OUT, but most importantly let the love come in!
~enjoy the small things
Sitting at the dinner table after everyone had cleared their spot, sitting on the porch, planting a garden, picking cherries, drinking coffee, or any time spent together is valuable time. The simplest, purest, and most innocent moments are what bring me pure joy and that's the relationship I had with my grampa.
~darkness comes just before the dawn
~do NOT put your feelings in a box
~healthy grieving....enough said
Two words that couldn't define me better are....closet crier. I wait until everyone is sound asleep, then I curl into a ball, turn out the lights, seek shelter in my closet, and cry until I have no more tears. That kind of darkness surrounded me and became my friend, but let me tell you stepping into that light feels soo good! Telling one person through poetry for me brought me into the light
~you cannot control everything... if you try, you will never find true peace
I'm coming to find that I can't control everything, no matter how hard I try. I seek to control the things around me to find comfort. I tell myself if she would change her attitude and he would change his tone, the situation would be perfect. I can't control how someone acts or how they choose to live, I can only coexist with the people around me.
"Death ends a life, not a relationship" ~Morrie Schwartz .
I lost my favorite memory
my new little bench
a cup of coffee and a Sunday paper
a heated discussion in a rocker
a hamburger in the summer
and we're gathered here today to celebrate
the life of my favorite memory
I told three people in the first few weeks.. a language teacher, a best friend, and a choir teacher. I didn't want people treating me any differently. I wanted to walk through each day mindlessly, with no stares, no conversations, no emotion. I was stunned.
I was hit hard during his open-casket funeral. That was the second experience in my life the brought me to my knees.
The service was beautiful. The only tears shed the day before were silent, hot tears while praying myself to sleep. I had made it past his legacy without tears.
I can't fully describe the pain I felt the moment the pastor told everyone they were welcome to say their goodbyes. I couldn't bring myself to sat goodbye to my grampa. It eats and eats away at me.
There is a song that will always pull at my heart strings and that is Taps. At his grave when they began playing that song, I fell to me knees and cried so hard I couldn't feel my heart.
P.S. I want to dedicate this post to a dear friend of mine, whom I love with all my heart. She lost a very close soul and I want her to know, if you're reading this, that the feeling is temporary. Your heart will heal, but care for your gentle heart. These hurts and struggles shape the people we are becoming... forever evolving, changing, and growing. Let this moment in your life fully penetrate you and feel the emotions fully. Your a brave one A! I Love You!
to the broken/healing/healed: Live Simply,