"Every human walks around with a certain kind of sadness. They may not wear it on their sleeves, but it's there if you look deep." ~Taraji P. Henson
Over Christmas break I had been driving back and forth between my parents houses, which is a two hour drive total, taking all old beaten up roads all by myself. I was highly over-caffeinated on coffee, sleep deprived, and pulling my hair out...literally. This was about my fourth time driving to my fathers house and thoughts were beginning to crowd my head.
What if I just didn't show up?
What if I took a turn and never looked back?
Who would care?
After forty-five minutes into my trip I pulled onto a gravel road and sat in my car and screamed. I screamed until my red contorted face couldn't feel the hot tears pouring down. I sat in my car for a while contemplating my decision: to live or die? I mean being totally honest who would notice? Heck, who am I to say I am of value?
I pulled out my phone and messaged a close friend of whom I trust very much. Of course I didn't tell her what had just happened, I just told her that I didn't think I could do this and that I need some strong advice. She somehow cooled my hot head and this made me think about the reasons to live.
I have a young sister who would miss me so darn much. She would have to tell her friends in the future. It was a thing she would talk about and it would cause her so much pain. I couldn't bear leave her in that situation. She would cry in her room and I wouldn't be able to stop her sweet little tears. I wouldn't be able to sit by her and tell her that I know what she is going through, because I was the one who wasn't strong enough.
Honestly, I was falling apart inside and I had no one to turn to. I was feeling so lonely and not the soul searching loneliness.
Feeling unwanted or unloved is painful and it can turn a person bitter. I cry to this day about my parents divorce, my grandfathers death, and the fact that I thought that dying would solve my pains.
At that very moment I needed someone to hug me so tight and not let go. Just sitting there and crying with me. I needed a person to love me so much that it would kill them to see my hurt. I needed to know someone cared.
Five months later I am very happy that I realized I was worth a little more than I thought. Now every time my mind drifts to the very thought I think of that friend, my sister, and God. Its been a journey, but I'm getting by. By allowing God into my life even more than before I have learned that no life is worth taking.
P.S. Never let one moment of bad judgment take your life. Please don't let your hurt take you precious, fragile, and kind heart. Call 1-800-273-8255 if you ever have any suicidal thoughts. A close person in my family took his life on a gravel road with a single bullet. He had lost the person he loved. He was 21. I saw the pain etched into my stepmothers face as she received the news. I think back now and realize how much hurt would have been felt.
to the hurting: Live Simply,